Necessary and Unnecessary Stress
I have given a great deal of thought to the problem of stress and one of the most important distinctions I think one can make is between necessary and unnecessary stress.
Necessary stress is obvious. You've lost your job, or you are going through a divorce. You've lost a loved one, or you are dealing with serious health problems. There's a great deal of pressure at work and not enough time for work and private life. These are the kind of major events and every day traps in the life-cycle that are necessarily stressful. There is no way to avoid them or the stress they cause. Although the intensity and duration of stress depends to a great degree on you handle them, events like these will cause some degree of stress no matter what you do.
In contrast, there is unnecessary stress.
If you are a perfectionist you will keep yourself in a state of chronic dissatisfaction and angst. If you are judgmental, you will cause others stress, and you will be affected by the stress of their response to you. If your expectations in life are unrealistic, almost everything will disappoint and stress you out. If you feel guilty for no obvious reason at all, you create more unnecessary stress for yourself. If you procrastinate, your problems pile up. If you are depressed, it's at least partially because you are judging yourself and your life incorrectly. If you are afraid to face your own truths, you will suffer from anxiety instead. If you are afraid to take full responsibility for yourself, and wait for others to fix things, your stress load increases, along with the resentment that comes with waiting.
I call these unnecessary stresses because they are not caused by events outside of you. They are unnecessary because the critical factors perpetuating them are your attitudes and behaviors which only you can change. It does take work...thinking, reflecting, sorting out, and applying insight and the discipline of practice. You can, by your choice, make healthy, useful changes in yourself just by the act of doing psychological work. That is what psychological growth and mental health is all about.
With this distinction between necessary and unnecessary stress you have a powerful tool to help yourself diminish and control your stress level. All you have to do is be very clear about how you are causing your own stress and separate that out from the stressful event or events that might be contributing to and setting off your own stress producing patterns.
Once you make that key distinction you'll be able to act more effectively against the problems, and work on updating your own personal development at the same time.
Although I firmly believe that meditation and other stress producing exercises that give you a timeout and a time to think are useful in controlling stress, I don't believe that they are the answer. The same is true for psychotropic medications. Problems, challenges, and stressors will always be appearing in your path throughout life. They will require thoughtful and appropriate action responses. Addressing them vigorously and quickly and honestly is the very best way to control stress.
There is necessary and unnecessary stress. And as you work through the problems in your life, remember that solving problems requires you to face two direction. You must face outward to the world, responding with action; and you must face inward to yourself, and making changes.
I have created My Virtual Shrink to help you, and others, rid themselves of unnecessary stress and personal dissatisfaction. That is the mission of all mental health professionals. We can't change reality, but we can change suffering.
Posted at 6:24 AM, December 28, 2009 by Roger Gould, M.D. | Category: Depression
8 Comments
#1: Posted by Sarah at 7:20 AM, December 28, 2009:
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Interesting perspective, thanks. |
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#2: Posted by Anonymous at 8:27 AM, December 28, 2009:
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I never thought about it this way. |
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#3: Posted by Mr.Jims at 6:34 AM, December 29, 2009:
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Can you talk about more about how we compound necessary stress into unnecessary stress? I lost my job, which is necessary stress, but I think I am making it worse by freaking out so much. I'd like to hear about how that process works. |
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#4: Posted by anon at 7:31 AM, December 29, 2009:
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This is more useful than many of the self-help stuff I see around. This is a clear distinction you can make. I will be trying to use this in my life. |
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#5: Posted by lisa at 11:06 AM, December 29, 2009:
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Ok, but what am I supposed to do after I realize I am causing myself unnecesary stress? |
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#6: Posted by carol at 9:06 AM, December 30, 2009:
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To lisa at #5: When you see that you are the cause of your unecessary stress, you can then CHOOSE to look at your actual choices in the matter. For example, if you procrastinate, you can see that you have the capability to do things in advance, rather than waiting. Or, if you feel guilty all the time, you can choose to let yourself be an imperfect human being, and do some self-talk that reflects that. Or, if your guilt is based on some real wrong-doing, then make amends. Basically, you can choose to accept things as they are, or take action to improve them. But you wont' do either until you see you have the choice--which is what you do have w/r/t unnecessary stress. |
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#7: Posted by Anonymous at 8:03 AM, January 04, 2010:
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Looking forward to the follow up post. Great stuff. |
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#8: Posted by jess at 9:16 AM, January 04, 2010:
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I need to work on this stuff. This seems valuable. I like this sort of stuff much more than breathe deeply or take a bath type advice you usually get for stress. |
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Dr. Roger Gould
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Assoc. Prof. UCLA
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