2 Reasons Why Holiday Gifts Cause Relationship Problems
Are you sweating what to buy your sweetheart for the holidays this year? Are you feeling a lot of pressure to buy the "perfect gift?"
Holiday gifts have been the death knell of many a burgeoning and faltering relationship. This is usually because too many people attach over-importance on the holiday trinket and not the relationship itself.
If a holiday gift makes or breaks a relationship, odds are it was already on shaky ground. There are various reasons why people give gifts: it's expected, buying another person's love and affection, manipulation, guilt or as a simple token of affection.
For some, giving and receiving gifts is a huge deal; for others, it's not so important. If you're in a secure and healthy relationship, holidays, birthdays and other gift giving occasions are days that remind you how lucky you are to have found each other and be together. If you're not in an unhealthy relationship or are simply out for everything you can get, gifts become a source of conflict, sense of failure, entitlement, guilt trips and anger.
There are two main reasons why gifts cause relationship problems:
1. If You Could Read My Mind, Love.
There are many women and men who believe that when they fall in love that their partner develops special psychic powers. He or she is supposed to magically know their every need and desire. If their partner can't guess or doesn't magically intuit what they want or need, they mistakenly take it to mean that their partner doesn't really love them, isn't committed to the relationship or that their partner is a selfish jerk. While being in love adds many wonderful dimensions to a person's life, ESP isn't one of them.
Every one of us is responsible for getting our own needs met. If we put this on someone else---a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a spouse, a child, a friend---it will only lead to disappointment, hurt and resentment. Therefore, if there's something specific that you want or need as a gift or in your relationship, ASK FOR IT. Passively sitting back and waiting for people to please you is NOT a recipe for relationship success.
If you communicate your needs you're more likely to have them met. Alternatively, if your partner cannot or will not meet your needs after you've communicated them or your needs are incompatible, perhaps it's time to move on.
2. Money Matters.
Many people think the cost of the gift correlates to the level of feelings and emotional investment of their partner. Sometimes this is true; sometimes it isn't. Carat size and screen size isn't necessarily indicative of the quality of a relationship.
True story: A man gave his girlfriend a tennis bracelet last year as a holiday gift. She opened the box, tossed the bracelet in the air, caught it in her hand and said, "It feels a little light." Believe it or not, this man actually married the woman. Unsurprisingly, things haven't improved.
The true measure of a relationship is mutual kindness, caring, support, warmth and commitment. Unreasonable gift expectations can be a sign that your values are out of sync or that perhaps one of you wants more of a commitment than the other.
The best gift of all is when you give of yourself, not your Amex card, well, on second thought; I guess it all depends upon whom you're involved with.
Happy holidays!
Posted at 8:01 AM, December 10, 2009 by My Virtual Shrink | Category: Holiday Stress
1 Comment
#1: Posted by Shelly at 12:28 PM, December 15, 2009:
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I never understood why people attach so much importance to holiday gifts. My husband and I give gifts throughout the year. If we don't find anything good around x-mas it's not a big deal. I say give presents when you want to. |
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Dr. Roger Gould
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